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Weird Feelings [Dec. 18th, 2004|09:34 pm]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |Hole-Asking For It]

I have been feeling okay lately. I feel a little bit down today. I'd been feeling really lonely lately but today i started thinking of Aimie and i start feeling better. I'm am really busy right not wating my neibors kid and shopping for christmas presents and in my little spare time i just keep falling asleep.That's usually how it is for me in Wutumm and winter, I think i should have been an animla that hibernates!

Aimie and i had a talk this morning about some things. I told her i wasn't sure if i was gay or bisexual. She said it didn't matter to her just as long as i love her and don't cheat on her, which i would never do because my last boy friend cheated on me and i would never put Aimie threw that hell.

I'm am still confused am i gay or bisexual. I have noticed my "crushes" on males seem to be more of a fascination like i'd want to know them but not acually a sexual thing.Wheras with women i feel much more at ease and my "crushes" seem like a mixture of wanting to know them and there's offen a sexual element too. I guess I won't totally rule out male thing but I'm definitely at least 90% attracted to women, and 10% attracted to men! I guess though, if your gay it's still not impossible to like someone of the opposite sex, if their special to you.So maybe i am gay, but i've not got it all firgured out in my head yet. All i know is that i am in love with Aimie andi can't wait to see her.

Some thing else that has chnged for me is my eating. You see i use to suffer from Anoerxia(you could say i still suffer from it) Their were days when i wouldn't eat all. A few weeks ago Aimie ask me to start eating again because she didn't want to lose me. I felt bad because i dom't want to hurt Aimie and also i want to get better. So i made promise to Aimie that i eat everyday 3 meals a day. It has been hard some day i don't want to eat but i know i need to eat even if i don't want to. It's diffcult but it is completely worthwhile. i've certainly got over the worst of it because i don't wake up planning on starving myself that day. it was so hard at first that i didn't believe i could truly get better,yet now i know it's possible.

I am so exicted about seeing Aimie again. On one hand i am really exicted to see Aimie but i know i am really going to be nervous to. Are plan is to spend time just talking then we are going shopping. Then for new years eve were going to a club for the night.

Wow this entry has been really long. I am going to get something to eat.
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Good News [Dec. 16th, 2004|09:31 pm]
[mood |ecstaticecstatic]
[music |Korn-Blind]

Well i know haven't blogged for two days but i have been really busy.

So anyway about Aimie. Well I was so nervous tuesday night waiting for Aimie to call. I was so nervous i spent most of the evening trying not to think about Aimie calling. I drank so red wine before she called to calm my nerves.

So Aimie called at 10:00pm. Before she could say anything i told her how i felt. I firgure i better tell her before i lost my nerve. Aimie was so quiet. I thought oh fuck i have messed this up badly. After a long time Aimie said I am glad you told me how you felt because i feel the same way. I nearly dropped the phone. I couldn't believe she really felt that way about me. I wanted to kiss her threw the telphone.

I started crying and Aimie asked why i was crying and i told her that i was afiad that she didn't like me in that way and Aimie said no i have liked you for awhile i just wasn't sure you liked me that way. So i am just really happy. Aimie is the perfect girl for me.

So we spent the next hour justing talking about how we felt. So now i have a girlfriend and i could not be happier. I am going to go and spent new years eve with her in seattle and i can't wait. This is the best thing that has every happen to me... Maybe things are finally looking up for me.
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A new girlfriend? Maybe [Dec. 13th, 2004|08:49 pm]
[mood |confusedconfused]
[music |Nirvana Heart Shaped Box]

Well today has been a good day for me. You see i meet a girl named Aimie and i really like her.

So how did i meet Aimie.We have been pen pals for a year now. I really like Aimie alot. she always there when I need her. She know how to make me feel better. She alwasy know the right thing to say to me to help me. So we exchanged phone numbers and we talk on the phone alot.I found myself opening up to her. Telling her things i usually don't tell anyone right away. I felt like i could be open and honest with her.

Anyway today she was in town so we deicied to meet. I was so nervous. I changed my clothes 5 different times trying to find the right thing to wear. When first saw Aimie i just feel in love. She is so beautiful. We stood their in the airport talking and hugging.

We went shopping. We had a really great time shopping. We looked in alot of clothes stores. I bought a few cds i had been looking for. Aimie bought me a pair of fairy wings and a plastic tiara. I was like why did you do that and she said because i think your speical and i like you. As we were walking along she reached down and took my hand in hers and held it. I was startled. Aimie said is it okay if i hold your hand. I said yes. It felt so right holding Aimie's hand. Like it was meant to be.

After we shpped for awhile she invited me back to her hotel room(she not from kansas she from seattle). It was really nice just sitting their and talking to her.

Then i had to take her to airport. I didn't want to let her go. I just held her. i was almost crying. I didn't want her to go.

So i know their is something between us. So i should tell her how i feel and find out if she feels the same way about me but i am scared to. I don't want to lose her as a friend.I mean what if i am reading her signals wrong. It doesn't mean she likes me more than just as friend because she held my hand. I don't want ruin a good friend ship by saying anything about it. I don't have have any friend so i don't want to lose Aimie. Also i am scared of rejection. I really am. So i am really not sure what i am going to do when she calls tommorrow night.

Alot of me likes it the way it is. I don't have that many friends. Aimie is such a great girl. I love her as a friend and i like her more than just a friend. So why the hell would i want to mess that up.

How every their is another part of me that wants to kiss her and tell her how i feel. Aimie is the perfect girl. She has all the qualities i want in a girlfriend. We have alot in common but we have alot of difference to. I think i tell her tommorrow night how i feel.
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New live journal [Dec. 12th, 2004|10:39 pm]
[mood |frustratedfrustrated]
[music |Funeral for a Friend-Rookie of the Year]

Well i got a live journal today. Their are just some things i feel better about posting here instead of posting them on my personal site.

So anwyay nothing really special happened today. I did some christmas shopping. I really like christmas shopping. I love shopping period. I got stuff for my mom my dad and the kid i baby sit for and her family. I even bought my dog courtney a present. It is a giant rawhide bone.

I still don't feel much better at all. I am still depressed. I have so many feeling emotions running threw me right now. One mintue i feel really happy the next i am crying. I wish i could just feel better. I just want everything to stop to go away. I just want to be happy.

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